Silent Tears and Loud Scars

So we have made the move down to Charlotte! I got the ok
from my surgeons to make the trip…
and we got through the 10 hour drive and made it here.
Staying at my parent’s house while we get settled.
Excited to be with my family and to start looking for our new place!
I have missed the big blue skies here and we are all more excited than nervous to
have made such a big move. My sweet sophia had asked my mom last
week, “so when we live there all the time, am I going to be able to
come over and bake cookies??” ::heart melting::
So glad to be able to make these memories here all together.
The kids are doing so well and are all so happy!

A big weight has been lifted off of me with having finally made the move down south.
So happy to be on the other end of the pain and surgery and hospital days.
I am getting stronger every day.

A new set of struggles has set in.
I had shared yesterday on social media about how hard it has been not being able
to be the mom I’m used to being.

“I took this photo a few days before I ended up in the hospital.
Back when I could actually play with him on the floor and pick him up.
Really having such a hard time not being able to comfort him when he cries.
He has really attached to Ben which is a blessing but it’s heartbreaking when Micah
cries and he doesn’t even acknowledge I’m in the same room. It’s like he knows
I can’t do anything for him anyways. Trying to be at peace knowing this is only for
a few more weeks. But lots of silent tears yesterday and today over this.”

The bodily pain I’m feeling now is healing pain and not what was happening before
Which is SUCH a blessing because they had even warned me that they could do all the surgery and
then the pain come right back. But every day I feel the pain going down.

My body is just wrecked in my eyes. The scars I have just scream at me.
And it brings me to tears when I look in the mirror.
Which just breaks my heart even writing that. because it’s so sad that I wouldn’t just be able to look past it…
but if I’m being honest, I’m just not there yet.
I’m the skinniest I’ve ever really been… because of not eating for so many days.
They even talked about a feeding tube at one point when they couldn’t control the pain or find the problem.
In my eyes it doesn’t look like a pretty skinny…
I feel like I look weak and have dark circles under my eyes.
My arms and neck are covered in bruises and healing spots from all the different IV’s
and times they drew blood. I got undressed the other day and saw a whole
new spot of bruises I hadn’t even noticed before on the
back of my upper arm from daily shots.
I have 5 small incisions across my stomach, 1 long larger one across the
bottom of my stomach and then one small incision on my side from the drain.
All this on top of my stretch marks. My bikini days are over. ;)
I know the scars will fade..but right now… it’s this reminder of the horrible pain and the
fear of not knowing what was going on… it takes me back to the thick of it when I thought
I would never get through it. Those 4+ hour chunks of time that I just shook, cried
and screamed out in pain and begged please please..someone help me over and over.
To the days and nights I just had to hit the pain pump every 8 minutes or else I would be in horrible agony.
I remember when I finally slept a solid 1.5 was amazing.
Looking at my body takes me back to the moments I was trying to offer it up and
would say this is for youuuuu this is for youuuu
it became like this lamaze way of getting through the pain..
with the same type of breathing I used when I was in labor with Micah.

I have this new tender heart for anyone who has
experienced changes on their body due to a suffering.
For the women who have had a mastectomy… or c sections but lost their child…
or chemo and have lost their hair. My cross is so small compared to theirs.
But experiencing this has opened my heart to them so much. I’ve had some amazing
e-mails come in from women who are about to or have faced some of these crosses,
and it has been incredible connecting with them and finding strength in them.
There are some pretty inspirational women out there.

Now the craziness of easing off the strong pain meds is happening.
I already had one day last week that was HORRIBLE.
With anxiety and sweats.
Today as I eased off of it even more, oh my gosh… the worst day.
Chills, dry heaving, nausea, shakes in the head,
light headed-ness almost blacking out two times.
I’m just praying that I can get through this and ease off of them slowly
so that I can go back to my normal. So lucky to have my family here helping me.

when I look in the mirror I just feel worn down.
Just worn. I cried today to my mom…I’m just tired of feeling pain or being sick.
My mom and sister were feeding all the kids a snack today and
I had to leave the room just to cry.
I did the same thing yesterday. just took a break to the bathroom to cry.
Just to be vulnerable with God and ask Him to help me during this time I feel so helpless.
Ben told me in bed the other night, as I cried about how helpless and frustrated I felt,
not being able to bend down or pick up my own child or have a clear head
to work, “don’t worry about anything else but taking care of you.”
But that’s the problem. I know that when taking care of me,
I’m asking others to do more.
And that is very hard for me. So praying extra hard tonight for
peace and help in being still and patient.

Trying to focus on the good that we have right now

and to look past the struggles of the day.

We have today.

get down and play with your kids on the floor for me today!

The Busy Budgeting Mama

12 Comments on Silent Tears and Loud Scars

  1. Just A Touch Of Crazy
    March 19, 2014 at 12:47 am (1 year ago)

    I have recently stumbled across your blog as I have thrown myself into the blogging world. I have loved reading your past posts. You are such an inspirational and amazing woman. My heart aches for the pain that you have felt and been going through the past few weeks. I am glad to hear that you are healing. Thank you for sharing this post and being honest. You have made me realize how blessed I am in my health, and that I can get down on the floor and play with my kiddos. Praying for you and your recovery and your family. So glad that you have family around you for support. Emily

  2. Discovery Street
    March 19, 2014 at 12:49 am (1 year ago)

    I’ve followed your journey and have prayed for you and your family. My circumstances are different, but I totally understand how it feels to feel like a shell of yourself. I’m just coming out of almost 4 months of debilitating illness–I don’t know how people get through sickness/health issues without Jesus. I’m getting better, but man, my perspective and compassion for anyone who suffers chronic pain has just blown wide open. We’re the lucky ones…the one’s who are healing. Natalie I pray your road to recovery is swift–it’s clear God is already using you to help others through tough circumstances. Be well!

  3. Marcie Halden
    March 19, 2014 at 1:23 am (1 year ago)

    Praying for you tonight that God would give you the Grace you need for each and everyone of these battles you are facing right now.. your sweet baby boy will not remember these hard days and will soon be crying for momma. That breaks my heart just reading it, but at the same time thankful he has gotten close to your hubby so that you have this time to heal. Prayers your way girl!!

  4. Izabela
    March 19, 2014 at 2:20 am (1 year ago)

    Sending some prayers your way. You have a beautiful family, and you have been blessed to be with them. Love and peace to you.

  5. *Erica*
    March 19, 2014 at 8:11 am (1 year ago)

    Oh sweet sister, I read your post and hear you loud and clear…just from another perspective. I am that mom of three, diagnosed with stage three breast cancer at 30, after being misdiagnosed for 2 years prior because I was “too young.” I have had a bilateral mastectomy, a year of chemotherapy, radiation, and continue on a chemo-based pill today to help keep me in remission. I also had to have a complete hysterectomy to try and rid my body of estrogen that feeds my cancer-menopause at 30 is not so great, not to mention that it took away our ability to have any more children, even though we were pretty sure we were done anyway.

    During surgeries and treatment, it was SO hard, because I am a do-er. I am [ahem] stubborn and “I’ll do it myself” kinda girl and to have to sit back and watch someone else take care of my kids, took everything I had not to crumble. But day by day, as you’re finding now, I got stronger. I was able to do a little more each day, and my kids noticed the more “normal” momma, things made their way back to the way things were. Things WILL get better, sister. One step, one day, one prayer at a time, you are on your way back.

    Keep your head up and look upward and forward. God is going to use this, just like he continues to use my journey. Our family’s favorite verse during my year of treatment and surgeries was Mark 5:36 “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” It is short and sweet, and even my 4-year old (at the time) could memorize it and quote it to me daily. “It’s ok, Mom, don’t be afraid, just believe, remember?” Ahh, out of the mouths of babes indeed.

    I’m praying for you and your family…for your move and all the things that come with it, and your health and continued recovery, and for your family as you get back to “normal.” It will come. Hang in there, sister. We’ve got this…and God’s got us.

    Mark 5:36
    Jeremiah 29:11

  6. Liz
    March 19, 2014 at 10:22 am (1 year ago)

    Allow yourself to grieve the time spent at the hospital and feel sad about it. It was hard and even though you are on the other side of it and you consider it to be small in the grand scheme, it was no less depressing and no less a loss… a loss of time with your family and a scary time of uncertainty. Time heals it all. I sure hope you feel better soon.

  7. Tiffany {A Touch of Grace}
    March 19, 2014 at 4:41 pm (1 year ago)

    Hi Natalie, I’m a new(er) follower and I read your post last week recapping all you went through. I cried for you and prayed for you and your family. I can’t even imagine how hard this all has been for you. I recently went through something similar (not nearly as bad as what you have been through) so I can understand how you feel when you are unable to take care of your family. It is so hard as a mother not to be able to hold your babies, or even get down at their level and play.

    I pray for your speedy recovery, and that you are able to find peace around you as you heal. It sounds like you have an amazing support system in your husband and family. It’s ok to feel sad; you went through something very traumatic and only time will help heal those wounds that aren’t physical.
    Lots of love and prayers for you and your family.

  8. shanna
    March 20, 2014 at 6:30 am (1 year ago)

    Lots of prayers for you and your family. I am a new blogger and have just started following your story. I feel horrible for all you and your family are going through. I find it amazing how strong and positive you have stayed through this ordeal. Keep strong & thank you for sharing your story with all of us. Shanna

  9. EKB
    March 22, 2014 at 10:52 pm (1 year ago)

    What an unbelievable journey you have been on…I am so sorry for all the pain and struggles, I can’t even imagine. Wonderful to hear you are finally on the mend and every day is just one day closer to getting your old self back! Take care of yourself, we all continue to pray for you!

  10. Andrea
    March 23, 2014 at 1:26 am (1 year ago)

    I was searching for directions on how to make a tissue paper pom pom flower thingy. That’s how I found your blog. Of course- I was all like..OOooH a new blog to scour and read. My heart ached for your pain your must have experienced. Oh how I wish you well- so sincerely. Yes- the blanket of peace (however short) that enrobes us in our dire time of need is amazing. I have experienced that sensation. To me it was proof HE had me in his sights and HE does have a plan. I wish he’d make mine more obvious sometimes, but oh well. Life is a glorious journey (most days). lol I sincerely wish you the best of luck and a healthy recovery so you can get back down on the floor and play with your sweetie pie. Blessings to you and your lovely family.

  11. Amanda
    April 3, 2014 at 1:11 pm (1 year ago)

    I have followed you for some time now, and I know this may sound strange… but this has been my favorite post. Something about you shedding your “super-mom” bubble and being so honest, touches my soul. You truly have been given a gift that allows you to communicate with people so strongly. I almost feel like I know you without even having met you and my heart hurts for you and your babies. Your ability to resonate hope even through words of sorrow is profound. Thank you for being so inspiring even when you feel like you’re helpless – because you never really are. :)
    Praying for you,
    XO Amanda

  12. Anonymous
    April 7, 2014 at 10:31 pm (1 year ago)

    Hi Natalie,
    Just found your blog tonight and it’s amazing. I was searching for ideas for my 3 year old daughter’s upcoming princess party. I am so impressed by the design and substance of your blog and posts. Admittedly, I had a moment of feeling jealous, like wow, this woman is so creative and going for it and what a beautiful family she has with a loving husband and three kids! I have a lovely husband too and one child, likely my only since I stared late. Anyway, I felt a bit like a loser by comparison…Sorry, lame of me but human nature I suppose. I have a Master’s degree in art and rarely make anything in our cramped tri-state area urban apartment. This has been a long winter and I was feeling funky. Oh, I have a million excuses as to why I’m not expressing my creative side. I have to say, your blog is truly inspirational. You are so, so talented!!! Then I kept reading and found your post about your best friend Shannon (I grew up in a household with domestic violence) and was deeply moved. Heartbreaking. There’s just no words. Then, I read this post about you being ill and I felt so shallow for even experiencing that momentary envy. Ugh. I hope you can forgive me. I am so inspired by your blog, you are an amazing woman, mother, wife and creative spirit. I sincerely wish you a speedy recovery and thanks for your wonderful blog! Blessings to you and yours!


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